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The Hero's Journey

by The Mystery Fax Machine Orchestra

/
1.
2.
The Call to Adventure The Call to Adventure calls The Call to Adventure The Call to Adventure’s calling to the faraway towns You don’t need no reasons; be glad Though, this reason is the clincher It’s just a normal, mundane venture, but, now, for a fixed time only, with an ‘Ad’ That’s why you should heed The Call to Adventure! Don’t hang up (The Call to Adventure) Don’t Caller ID (The Call to Adventure) Please hold. (The Call to Adventure) It will not rest (The Call to Adventure) Night and day (The Call to Adventure) Don’t ask for whom the Call to Adventure Calls to adventure一it calls for you一and, if not you, then who? Anybody will do, it won’t stop Ignore the call to Holy Orders Ignore the call round to your mother’s, just to see if she needs something from the shop But you should not ignore the Call to Adventure Congratulations, Mrs. Edward Bower, you may have already won a Call to Adventure A colleague of mine may have already spoken with you about the Call to Adventure Is now not a good time? No? Well, just to let you know, there’s a Call to Adventure catered and designed to you and your husband’s need waiting for you on the line... That’s why you should heed the Call to Adventure now.
3.
Portage la Prairie, Manitoba, 1954. A joint called Ray's Stop & Stay. A telephone rings, sadly, to stage left. Benoît, the little Métis busboy, runs to answer: it’s a long-distance call from St. Paul, Minnesota. It’s for Ray; it's always for Ray. If it’s Betsy, say I’m busy If it’s Iris, say I’m cruel and cold If it’s Martha, just ask is she Serious or can she hold? Tell her to call me later Tell her call some other time Tell her: Call me Ishmael Tell her that’s a joke of mine You should have just ignored her Or let the phone ring off the wall Or tell her to insert a quarter For the next three minutes of the call So tell Bara: "A'ole, mahalo" Tell Brune “Das ist nicht ein Schnabeltier?” Tell Denise I'm going solo On this old rusty horn right here Say I’m on my deathbed, Which should make Jemima glad And with my dying breath said “Sorry, the line is very bad.” Tell her I am wretched With a dose of contagious speech And I don't want her to catch it So she should keep the phone well out of reach And I can’t reach the receiver And the stools have all got broken legs And I’ve come down with a fever And my beer glass is all full up with dregs And Mabel knows that I have rabies Now tell her I have foot in mouth And mwmwmwmmmwm Mwwmmwm hard to make me out Tell her I’m heartbroken Cuz the band have all moved to Illinois And she’s so softly-spoken I can’t hear her over all their noise And AJ’s backing Streisand And Scooby’s backing someone else And since the others formed a klezmer band I have to play the parts myself So I haven’t got a hand spare I lost my feet in a poker game. And my brain has gone in for repair And my vocal cords went up in flame And my teeth are in the pawn shop, My tongue decided to settle down, And my mouth ran off and left me For another face in another town But only if it’s Sharon Not if it is Bethany Or Katie, Kim, or Karen. However, if it’s Stephanie Tell Suzy to be patient Tell Marianne I’m still a jerk Tell June to call my agent. And tell my agent to get back to work If it’s Abigail, show prudence If it’s Prudence, show restraint If it’s Charity, I gave too much And if it’s Hope; there ain’t And I'd rather you told Laurie I'm excavating for a mine And, if it's Clementine, I'm sorry I'm so sorry, Clementine Tell her I’m in Poland Tell her I’m in Temple Bar Tell her I’m in Glengoland Ladybrook or Divis Tower Tell her I’m in Poleglass The Murph, the Whiterock, or the Falls I’m in Clonard taking Mass So I can’t take any calls If she asks you, give her The number for the Vatican That lot can forgive her A lot more easily than I can Say my mind began to wander Just like her cheating heart once did No, not that... I don't want her To know I know Baby Judas is not my kid That’s only if it’s Molly Or Lydia or Lil or Lynn On the other hand, if it’s Holly I’m not in If it’s Minnie on the other end I’m not free until next year But, if it’s Kitty calling me I’m here
4.
Hush now baby, hold me tight It’s just something going bump in the night Bump in the night Something will go bump tonight Don’t be frightened My embrace just tightened Around you, all night long so sshhh Was that something downstairs? It can’t be up here Because there’s nothing happening in the bedroom... yet. Hush now baby, hold your tongue There’s nothing too unusual going on It’s just the wind in the tree Why don’t you move close to me? It’s really nothing But you must want something To keep waking up all night When I need your love so bad I think of all the love we’ve had An apparition of what once was Has been kicking up a fuss There’s a poltergeist of pure romance That makes our old four-poster dance Supernatural aid, supernatural aid Behind the loving that we’ve made Was something blowing in your ear But when you open up your eyes it disappeared? There’s nothing to fear Hold on, darling, I’m here What’s that sounding? Is it your heart pounding? Just knock three times for ‘yes’ When I need your love so bad I think of all the love we’ve had There are ghosts of memories of love That I keep dreaming of There’s a wraith of writhing hands and limbs That screeches when the night light dims Supernatural aid, supernatural aid Behind the loving that we’ve made Do you feel the energy? Do you feel the force? Shaking through the windows and the doors You wonder where it’s coming from The ghost of loving past is present And so is the ghost of loving yet-to-come Do you feel a presence in the room? Well, that’s just me It’s me blowing in your ear But since you’re awake now Supernatural aid, supernatural aid Behind the loving that we’ve made
5.
6.
A lamp A willow tree Two lovers in peril A key to a lock that is also somewhere abouts A bobbing, brown box of tea Bits of old songs; a cat, one almost drowned, but breathing at that And a hat一Does anybody still wear a hat? A saucer, a cup The first manuscript of Orwell’s “Coming Up For Air” is down there Under the waves, by the tongue, by the stair A candle? Too wet. A flashlight with... oh, it seems, too big a dent And, by touch and by scent, I think a small box of matches一spent And the mouth opens wide, and yet more pours inside. The water’s lifting, as the walls start shifting And things start drifting with the flow You can tell with your hands, that these must be glands As the glands expand and the arteries grow Groping about inside a whale For every last detail must be learned by braïlle In the big, black belly of the whale It’s a battle through the rattle of the chattels Where a rat’ll root about inside your suit And the gloom hides the faces of the stacked Ming vases Whose glazes leave sharp traces when they’re trampled underfoot One heave and groan and you’re bodily thrown Under twenty stone of steel And the chaps in the fetters don’t fare much better When they’re tossed together with each turn and wheel You can hear them bellow and wail? If the thing should inhale, there’s a forty knot gale That will blow through the belly of the whale In the belly of a whale, there’s a library, which is mainly books on tape The ones on fishing and means of escape Appear to all be out on loan In the trammel of the tooth enamel Of the deep-sea mammal there are fish If you can spot ‘em, long forgotten, Slowly turning rotten, when they were once delicious Trapped down here, in this dark, austere And bleak interior Smell the decoration with acute frustration Now, is that cetacean a big porpoise Or is it another bloody whale? On a much smaller scale, fitting head to tail In the big, black belly of the whale In the belly of a whale, a light pours in through a hole that opens and shuts Hitting something shiny, deep in the guts It’s the Holy Grail… but to get the Grail, you must first enter The Lions’ Den, in The Dragon’s Lair, in The Belly of the Beast, which is a whale An old man Sits by the Grail in the belly of the whale Looking pale and frail and thin In this salty offing, all cackles and coughing I ask: “Is there nothing not found within The belly of this whale?”
7.
Hush, Little Lady, you've already got enough off your chest I'm just a tall, dark stranger riding in with a tall tale to confess Straight as a bullet cross the Jersey Line I'll have one hand on the throttle and one hand on your thigh Our only way of life is to die On the Road of Trials. I knew that when I started that it would be hard; it is a jungle out there. You need nine heads, at least, to topple the beast and take the lion's share. Life is tough for Average Joes like us But you don't need street smarts to get it sussed You just kick up your kickstand and kick up the dust On the Road of Trials. Give it to me, Baby, give it up Cuz what I need is what you've got On the Road of Trials Clocking ninety on the dials Outpaced the arrow Ran the deer out of view I mastered this hog And I rode it to you But the Road of Trials ain't through I've been working for The Man on his twelve-step plan to break my soul I've been cleaning his crap up, knocking his birds down, and hitting his goals. With the same song on the radio again, I hit the fast lane to break the chain Cuz you can't ride to freedom on a subway train Just the Road of Trials Let me have it, Baby, give it to me Cuz what you've got is what I need On the Road of Trials Scorching up the endless miles Bull by the handles Horses long gone; Always just almost Five miles from the dawn And the Road of Trials goes on Your friends don't think I'm worth it; don’t think I’ll treat you honourably But the only honour I know is the judge, babe, and he's got it in for me Just give me up your girdle; my hands are like me: they stray. Tell me you'll love me forever, darling, and I'll be on my way
8.
She wore her hair like one of the Brethren Well-worn-down like a Free Presbyterian Her Catholic knees and taste Her morals were Lutheran Mine were “loothe” I watched her keeping the holy day holy Having no God ahead of the true God Her mouth was free from sin Nothing got past her lips Except the truth Amen, a moment, please Then take your hand in mine and peace be with you Father forgive me for holding too tightly Father forgive me for holding too long She sat in easy state Honouring her mother And on and on And on, and on, commandment one Thou shalt put hand in hand and peace be with you She put her hand in mine and peace be with me The night's drawn in Indian ink Over and over pauses the pen To drink The constellation’s navigation Softly sing the silent stars unspoken song But, to woo, the owls "To-whit, to-woo" Through the woods, but out to whom? The dawn goes on and on and onwards Onward goes the dawn and on and on and on A million times. On and on I say my prayers at night and dream of you Wearing your hair like one of the Brethren Well-Worn-Down like a Free Presbyterian Your Catholic knees and taste Your morals are Lutheran
9.
To begin, you must have heard, There was, initially, The Word. The word was God, which then conferred No referent nor meaning. No one then could understand The Word, so God thus waved his hand And in that way the world was manned Through Godly intervening. Very pleased to have, at last, Some human lips that could be passed And tips of tongues to sit amast, The Word was newly buoyant. But God一The Word一was very proud And never would be said aloud. His name it must be talked around For God is an avoidant. And Man was charged to make up terms To tell the wyverns from the worms, The packrats from the pachyderms From planktons of the oceans. For mountain goats and moles and mice; For lugworms, locusts, labs, and lice; For all the things of Paradise, But not for his emotions. "Why is it that I am... um... sad? My heart? feels... uh... I want to say... bad? Driven was it... that's it! Mad!" Thus love songs were invented. What was missing, missed, or gone, He could not put his finger on. The mots he had amassed were bon, But not when thus presented. "Good work," said God, "But here's the rub: I have a book for you to sub. It's called The Bib.. O, please, don't blub. There's a good boy. Steady." So God created, on a whim, Another mouth to speak of him, Hewn from intercostal limb... You know her name already. Life in Eden now was ace, Without a hint of fall from grace. It was a much more noisy place With Man no longer single-ish. Until a reptile, serpent, snake. Of Tantilla Coronata make, Coiled around a tree and spake... (Naturally in English): "Eat this fruit and know the truth. The mortal mouth, it is uncouth. The body, vile! Observe the proof: Your pubis is all hair-flecked." The Man and Woman peeked below, Then gave the cursed fruit a go. No one had invented 'No!' For Paradise was perfect. God, who had no cause before, Made up swears and promptly swore, Grouping letters into fours To put across his fire. This gave early woman pause: These were all unwritten laws And the snake, for all his flaws, Never was a liar. For this, they were cast out, that's known, Leaving God一The Word一alone, With no companions to atone Or make apologetics. But, at this point, The Word was glad That Man had first created “sad” And “bad” and, though it made him mad, It made him empathetic. Who was there to comprehend The Word, which saw no face nor friend? That's why The Word had to be penned To follow on behind them. In pamphlet, holy book, and scroll; On sandwich board and grilled cheese roll, His praise and virtue to extol, He sent words out to find them. No! they said to being returned. No! the lesson they had learned. They spoke of him and his ears burned; They wouldn't let him in though. The Word they'd silently ignore When he came knocking at their door. They'd lie still upon the floor: He'd look in through the window. For Man does well not to forget That day or night filled with regret When words were used to easily set Children against parent. Cast outside or riven loose By serpent's tongue and God's abuse: The Word is understood by use With no meaning inherent. By the by, all mortals fought On what it is The Word is not And that, itself, is quite a thought To ponder for an aeon. A note of fact or work of fiction, Catalogue of contradiction, Suffering from sloppy diction, That no one can agree on. Strong sentiments in Aramaic Now sound dusty and archaic, Translation is not formulaic: Take care in its appliance. The words that built your sacred prose Are those that the translator chose. Religious zeal, God only knows, Is not an exact science Is Man right to feel paranoid, With God now just a silent void... The dark, dumb Dad of Dr. Freud? They ought to have that queried. If to begin we'd only heard That sorry was the hardest word... In the end, though, rest assured, There'll be a full-stop. Period.
10.
At the Natural History Museum Each Saturday of every other week It shuts at 7pm. The father and the son and the antiques The parent stands behind the boy who stands before the exhibition The glass between the men and man who stands behind the glass Is standing even And dark, and clear "Look upon that ancient creature," The father said, with pathos, to the child "Its every feral feature Take its savage gait; its glare is wild We used to be like that. Now we are advanced and have museums Working off his lower functions, unafraid of how the future sees him.” He had an inner monologue I daren't repeat It had too many expletives Though, to summarise, in brief Who am I to set things right? Oh, Mama Who am I to set things right? Oh, Mama Who am I to set things right? Son and father reunited For several hours one weekend afternoon The hall is poorly lighted And the gift shop closes soon The father stares. He's unaware that the display is empty For months, it's been out for repair. His reflection, there, is standing faintly And dark, and clear
11.
Apotheosis 02:15
12.
It's December 28th Good Will lingers in Good Faith People smile; a child insists "It's Christmas." (My) True Love must complete her set But the shops aren't open yet Where to source four calling birds For Christmas? Five Gold Rings; Six Geese a-laying Seven Swans-a-Swimming True Love, on the nineteenth day I got a little lost I got you a moose Hope you like it There's that song on the radio again Christmas. Christmas. Christmas. Christmas. Christmas. Christmas. Christmas. Christmas. Christmas. Christmas. Christmas. Christmas. Christmas. January 12th, so strange It's Christmas still and nothing's changed The tree stayed up and Love Came Down At Christmas March the 22nd. Well There's the peal of Yuletide bells And Peace on Earth’s a living Hell At Christmas Forty-seven wizards whizzing Seventy-two Holders nodding There’s that song on the radio again June 15th, I'm up at dawn To put another turkey on To lay before the family At Christmas. No more turkeys still exist Rover, old friend, you’ll be missed A dog's not just for life, a dog's For Christmas T'is the season to be sad, so so sad Over all the Christmases that you’ve had So, one foggy Christmas Eve Close your eyes and just believe You can make a wish come true At Christmas The fire is out; the curtains shut I would wish on that star, but It is never Christmas Eve It's Christmas.
13.
The clock ticks a tock like a snare as we prepare to play Brahms The bell takes its toll on our souls as we all sit our music exams I'm sick of paying some guy twenty pounds an hour to be conservative in the conservatoire I want the sort of song that makes me move my hips The music I love never came on manuscripts They can bar the guitar from the music block and make us play Bach Enrol us, control us, patrol us, but we came here to rock No more weighing scales and no more arpeggios No more taking bows and no more stringing bows I want the sort of song that makes me move my hips The music I love never came on manuscripts So long, I'm playing cool No no no no not going back NO! No NO! No, I'm leaving school This is our goal stoke the coals with the force of Bikini Atoll They'll dictate, indoctrinate, but it's too late we're gonna rock and roll I think of all the education that I missed But Hendrix never played a squeezebox quite like this I want the sort of song that makes me move my hips The music I love never came on manuscripts So, so long, I'm playing cool No no no no not going back NO! No NO! No, I'm leaving school But before I leave, I’ve written a song I wrote it at the back of the class With just the truth, seventeen chords, and a twenty-four piece orchestra I'm sick of paying some guy twenty pounds an hour to be conservative in the conservatoire I want the sort of song that makes me move my hips The music I love never came on manuscripts So long, I'm playing cool No no no no not going back NO! No NO! No, I'm leaving school
14.
15.
Much of what I think is nothing much Much of what I say is meaningless And half is not worth saying anyway And always either my mind's filled with sound Or always it is full of songs of birds That just go round and round and round and round Without me, within me is empty A valley where beingness goes Without me, within me is empty A valley where meaningness flows Inside, I'm flying, I'm flying Inside, I'm flying, I'm flying Inside, I'm flying, I'm flying Open the door and let me free One step to betterness is tuning out A stage of betterment is turning off And not to burn out but fade away Without me, within me is empty A valley where beingness goes Without me, within me is empty A valley where meaningness flows Inside, I'm flying, I'm flying Inside, I'm flying, I'm flying Inside, I'm flying, I'm flying Open the door and let me free
16.
One of the two Less sound on his feet Went stumbling through Where the ground don’t meet Where only a space, a tear, a split Offered no place to bear his bootprint With a small misstep for man The moon is unkind. In the plan It said you must leave the man behind And one of the pair Was stuck, standing fast Knowing up there He could but broadcast Though if he were heard who’d waive the rule? Collins, their third, can’t leave the module Like a horse on her last legs Dog on her deathbed, his eyes beg But there’s something that dare not be said And they wait out the cold of summer To stave off incoming slumber They rhyme out sequences of numbers Counting down the time that they’ve got left up there Up there up there Higher than breathable air I always seem to wake up there Midway through the dream Asleep at the keys Will this moon-white ream Keep hold of words like these? Expression of grief, of vague intent The Commander-in-Chief must make a statement It’s not on the crumpled page Not in the waste bin in will rage In the heart. But where to begin? And I fight off incoming slumber In hope something new will come there To break up sequences of numbers Counting down the time that they’ve got left up there Up there up there Higher than breathable air I always seem to wake up there Fate has ordained that the men who went to the moon to explore in peace will stay on the moon to rest in peace. These brave men know that there is no hope for their recovery. But they also know that there is hope for mankind in their sacrifice. These two men are laying down their lives in mankind's most noble goal: the search for truth and understanding. They will be mourned by their families and friends; they will be mourned by the nation; they will be mourned by the people of the world; they will be mourned by a Mother Earth that dared send two of her sons into the unknown. In their exploration, they stirred the people of the world to feel as one; in their sacrifice, they bind more tightly the brotherhood of man. In ancient days, men looked at the stars and saw their heroes in the constellations. In modern times, we do much the same, but our heroes are epic men of flesh and blood. Others will follow, and surely find their way home. Man's search will not be denied. But these men were the first, and they will remain the foremost in our hearts. For every human being who looks up at the moon in the nights to come will know that there is some corner of another world that is forever mankind. A broadcast from Earth His plea in the night Issuing forth At the speed of light A lasting account of what they did But as it drifts out, it grows distorted In event of moon disaster No eloquence or mastery of words heals what comes after But then, after all, the words are all we have.
17.
I wake up before the half six news I break a sweat, then hit the snooze I've got this一I'm the master of both worlds On the tube, some people stare at me "Is that...? I wonder. Could it be?" It is! It’s me: the Master of Two Worlds I'm a Master of the Fax Machine I've mastered keeping my desk clean I can multi-task and mostly get things right And astride the photocopier I copy something poppier It's a flyer for my gig on Wednesday night When the lights go up at the Black Sheep Bar in Croydon That's me up there, The Master of Two Worlds Thank you, Dave, a coffee does sound great I guess I stayed up pretty late But I think that presentation went okay Now I've got some paperwork to do Before I take this time in lieu I'm out of here by four o'clock today When the lights go up at the Boogaloo in Highgate That's me up there, The Master of Two Worlds Hello, sir, you wished to speak with me? I could do much more for the company? From lowly temp to permanent full-time? Why, of course, a first year salary freeze Yes, Mr. Mephistopheles Now, where exactly is this dotted line? When the lights go up at The Water Rats in Kings Cross That's me up there, Master of Two Worlds That's me up there
18.
When I was a little boy or girl I asked mother or father about the world They said to make a difference To be the one to take a chance Not shaken up by circumstance And never to forget You must forgive If just for now Then you will live Happy ever after Then you'll die So I became a husband or a wife And asked my spouse about the facts of life He or she then led me through The silly things that people do "And this," she said... "My love," he said... "is true: Don't try too hard Don't try to see Beyond today Then we might be Happy ever after Then we'll die." If you can look upon your lot And on the things for which you fought And still know that it comes to nought, your work is done Take that loss and put it on The losing players in Mahjong Then you will be, though not for long, a man, my son Then, I had a little girl or boy Who asked me: "Mama, papa, what is joy?" It sat upon my knee, or chair "Child, you must accept despair It's natural to you as breathing air Until you stop Breathing your last Bar one euphoric final blast Happy ever after Then you die" The years pass by; you pass away You die to fight no other day You’re heading west, you’re off to help the flowers grow You hop the twig, they read your will You join the choir invisible You meet your maker, head below. Happy ever after... Then we’ll go to pay our last respects To Mr Late, to Mrs Ex To Master Former, Young Miss Gone To Reverend Passed, to Count Moved-On Duke Departed. Earl Above Lady Remembered, To Sir With Love Her Grace, the stiff. Dear Doctor Blessed To the Right Honourable Long-to-Rest Just not this minute. No, not yet We haven't paid that final debt It comes tomorrow, comes in months But when it comes, it comes but once We are living! Tempting fate You in the front row don't look too great But who here cares what death may bring? Life isn’t over while we still sing Happy Ever After Then we’ll die!

credits

released July 17, 2017

Lyrics by Reggie Chamberlain-King.
Music and arrangements by Martin White.

Recorded, engineered, mixed, and mastered by Jonathan Clayton at OneCat Studio, Brixton, London.

Strings recorded by Seb Durkin and Andy Denyer at the Royal College of Music, London.

Sleeve Art by Foster & Gilvan

Backing vocal on The Call To Adventure: Kate Dornan
Narration on Refusal of the Call: Kevin Eldon
Backing vocal on Belly of the Whale: Catharine Rogers
Narration on Woman as Temptress: Mike Hayley
Father Christmas on The Ultimate Boon: Baron Gilvan
Vocal on Rescue from Without and narration on Belly of the Whale: Bid
Richard Nixon on The Crossing of the Return Threshold: Simon Kane

Piccolo/Flute: Julie Groves
Oboe: Jenni Britton, Madeleine Pudney, Alex Birchall
Alto saxophone: Arec Koundarjian
French Horn: Nathan Thomas, Chrissie Ranson
Trumpet: Steve Pretty, Martin Whaley
Trombone: Nathan Hamer
Tuba: Kate Dornan
Percussion: Ben Handysides
Piano: Jeremy Limb
Harp: Kat Arney
Electric guitar: Foz Foster
Acoustic Guitar: Foz Foster, Jon Clayton
Bass guitar/musical saw: Rhodri Marsden
Accordion/synths/toy piano/glockenspiel/theremin: Martin White
Violin: William Banyard, Amy Butterworth, Robert Chatley, Sophie Dolman, Siobhan Gee, Dan Mayfield, Sarah Mears, Katrina Navickas, Heather Newton, Louisa Wood
Viola: Deborah Chalmers, Stephen Gilchrist, Tom Handysides, Will Handysides, Alexandra Pudney
Cello: Jon Clayton, Hannah Donovan, Ben Handysides, Romany Kebar, Lindsey Scott

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The Mystery Fax Machine Orchestra London, UK

Orchestral novelty-prog.

No! Wait! Come back!

Based in London, we've been going since 2007. The line-up is around twenty four players.

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