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Down The Allotment​/​Waltzing EP

by The Mystery Fax Machine Orchestra

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Robert Wells
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j_perks
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roger_langridge
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skewer
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1.
Down the Allotment 06:44
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Cabbages and radishes and cheeky brussels sprouts That sing and dance and chuckle when the sun is out The snails leave silver trails as they munch on this and that The bugs and slugs are wearing strawberries as hats There are blueberries and raspberries and gooseberries galore There are squashes in a very wide assortment You'll be amazed at what I've got Growing on my plot Why don't you join me as I go down the allotment? The flowers are in bloom attracting busy bees That carry bits of pollen with their tiny knees Tomatoes and potatoes and what some things are I'm not quite sure The compost bin is full of rotting horse manure I've got rosemary and basil I've got tarragon and thyme I've got chives and coriander and I've got mint Amidst the broad beans and the peas You will find me on my knees Pottering about down the allotment The allotment committee hold the purse strings of the kitty They'll evict you if your plot is not in order Or if your veg as gone to seed or if its overgrown with weeds Or you haven't run the strimmer round the border There are always people here, they come across and interfere When I really wish that they'd all go away For when the evening sun goes down And there's no-one else around I like to sit down by the rhubarb patch and say: I love you rhubarb WE LOVE YOU TOO You never grumble when I overharvest you I love you rhubarb WE ARE YOUR FOOD In a crumble, dipped in sugar, raw or stewed Greenhouse built by gods of old Wreathed in thorns and nettles What secrets do you hold? Greenhouse beckons me within Whispers in the undergrowth Crawl around my skin Greenhouse through your crystal door Hideous shadows dance forever Laugh but smile no more Weeds of every kind Dandelions and bindweed And worst of all there's cooch grass as well The roots go deep into the loam I dig until the earth below me opens up It's a portal straight to hell! Bury me on my allotment where I've plied my toil Let my rotting corpse enrich the sandy soil Under the allotment I can then give something back To all the rhubarb that I've eaten for my tea For as my body rots and nutrients permeate the plot It will be time for the rhubarb to eat me WE LOVE YOU MARTIN I love you too I feel so humble now I'm down here feeding you WE LOVE YOU MARTIN I am your food In a crumble, dipped in sugar, raw or stewed
2.
Waltzing 03:00
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Waltzing I'm going waltzing Waltzing down the street Waltzing I'm going waltzing Waltzing with my feet Waltzing I'm going waltzing All the ladies think I'm cool Waltzing I'm going waltzing There's no point refusin' Go and put your dancing shoes on Join me as I waltz down to the zoo Waltz around the birds and kangaroos Maybe you would like to waltz there too Maybe I'll go waltzing there with you Waltzing I'm going waltzing Waltzing in the park Waltzing I'm going waltzing Waltzing after dark Waltzing I'm going waltzing There is litter everywhere Waltzing I'm going waltzing A paper cup by a bin I pick it up I put it in Join me as I waltz round Sainsbury's Waltz with me next to the frozen peas Waltz with me past various kinds of cheese Maybe you'll go waltzing there with me Can you count to three? One two three four Then you can waltz One step forward Two to the left Three steps backwards And four to the right Now you're waltzing! Waltzing I'm going waltzing Waltzing to your house Waltzing I'm going waltzing To the tunes of Richard Strauss Waltzing I'm going waltzing I challenge you to take me on Waltzing I'm going waltzing I will bet you a tenner I'm the best in all Vienna We will waltz upon the day that we are wed Waltz until it's nearly time for bed Waltz until our feet have ached and bled We'll waltz until the two of us drop dead
3.
Something Something Something in the Morning 02:42
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4.
Four Minutes and Thirty-Three Seconds 04:33
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The purpose of music, so the great Frank Zappa reckoned Was to decorate time with it's ebbing and flowing John Cage's Four Minutes and Thirty-Three Seconds Is a decoration so sublime it's worthy of the great Llewellyn-Bowen But John Cage's decorations would make a room seem like a cage There's no denying his Feng Shui's a little sparse And four and a half minutes are a long time in this frantic day and age So here are some suggestions as to how that time might otherwise be passed... You could give an acceptance speech for a BAFTA Go to a bookshop for a browse You could read a short story by Franz Kafka Or twenty-nine aphorisms by Karl Kraus You could read the introduction to Ulysees Or any novel of great renown You could read one percent of War And Peace Or the complete works of Dan Brown Four minutes and thirty-three seconds Is a much longer time than you think You try to sit and listen but the outside world beckons Come out for a drink You could spend those four minutes and thirty-three seconds listening to a different song How about Pulp's 'Disco 2000' or Luke Haines's 'How Could I Be Wrong' 'After the Fireworks' by The Birthday Party, 'Papa Jack' by Morrissey Hall & Oates's 'Maneater' or 'We Are All Made of Stars' by Moby Four minutes and thirty-three seconds Is a much longer time than you think You try to sit and listen but the outside world beckons Come out for a drink In the time it took John Cage to play absolutely nothing at all Robbie Fowler in 1995 scored a hat trick against Arsenal You could watch somebody juggle until you start to get quite bored You could play a game of Boggle and still have time to do the scores Four minutes and thirty-three seconds Is a much longer time than you think You try to sit and listen but the outside world beckons Come out for a drink You could try to chat up that girl you've fancied for years until she says 'let's just be friends' You could marry Britney Spears and be divorced before the end You could get an Anglican minister to brew the perfect cup of tea You could run a mile if you're Roger Bannister, or half a mile if you're me You could eat a fruit pastille without chewing it, or eat a greasy chicken leg Or a donut without licking your lips, you could boil the perfect egg You could teach yourself the ukulele, fail to get the hang of it You could try to read the Daily Mail without wanting to tear it to bits Four minutes and thirty-three seconds Is a much longer time than you think You try to sit and listen but the outside world beckons Come out for a drink

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released August 16, 2013

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The Mystery Fax Machine Orchestra image

The Mystery Fax Machine Orchestra London, UK

Orchestral novelty-prog.

No! Wait! Come back!

Based in London, we've been going since 2007. The line-up is around twenty four players.

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