Portage la Prairie, Manitoba, 1954. A joint called Ray's Stop & Stay. A telephone rings, sadly, to stage left. Benoît, the little Métis busboy, runs to answer: it’s a long-distance call from St. Paul, Minnesota. It’s for Ray; it's always for Ray.

If it’s Betsy, say I’m busy
If it’s Iris, say I’m cruel and cold
If it’s Martha, just ask is she
Serious or can she hold?

Tell her to call me later
Tell her call some other time
Tell her: Call me Ishmael
Tell her that’s a joke of mine

You should have just ignored her
Or let the phone ring off the wall
Or tell her to insert a quarter
For the next three minutes of the call

So tell Bara: "A'ole, mahalo"
Tell Brune “Das ist nicht ein Schnabeltier?”
Tell Denise I'm going solo
On this old rusty horn right here

Say I’m on my deathbed,
Which should make Jemima glad
And with my dying breath said
“Sorry, the line is very bad.”

Tell her I am wretched
With a dose of contagious speech
And I don't want her to catch it
So she should keep the phone well out of reach

And I can’t reach the receiver
And the stools have all got broken legs
And I’ve come down with a fever
And my beer glass is all full up with dregs

And Mabel knows that I have rabies
Now tell her I have foot in mouth
And mwmwmwmmmwm
Mwwmmwm hard to make me out

Tell her I’m heartbroken
Cuz the band have all moved to Illinois
And she’s so softly-spoken
I can’t hear her over all their noise

And AJ’s backing Streisand
And Scooby’s backing someone else
And since the others formed a klezmer band
I have to play the parts myself

So I haven’t got a hand spare
I lost my feet in a poker game.
And my brain has gone in for repair
And my vocal cords went up in flame

And my teeth are in the pawn shop,
My tongue decided to settle down,
And my mouth ran off and left me
For another face in another town

But only if it’s Sharon
Not if it is Bethany
Or Katie, Kim, or Karen.
However, if it’s Stephanie

Tell Suzy to be patient
Tell Marianne I’m still a jerk
Tell June to call my agent.
And tell my agent to get back to work

If it’s Abigail, show prudence
If it’s Prudence, show restraint
If it’s Charity, I gave too much
And if it’s Hope; there ain’t

And I'd rather you told Laurie
I'm excavating for a mine
And, if it's Clementine, I'm sorry
I'm so sorry, Clementine

Tell her I’m in Poland
Tell her I’m in Temple Bar
Tell her I’m in Glengoland
Ladybrook or Divis Tower

Tell her I’m in Poleglass
The Murph, the Whiterock, or the Falls
I’m in Clonard taking Mass
So I can’t take any calls

If she asks you, give her
The number for the Vatican
That lot can forgive her
A lot more easily than I can

Say my mind began to wander
Just like her cheating heart once did
No, not that... I don't want her
To know I know Baby Judas is not my kid

That’s only if it’s Molly
Or Lydia or Lil or Lynn
On the other hand, if it’s Holly
I’m not in

If it’s Minnie on the other end
I’m not free until next year
But, if it’s Kitty calling me
I’m here